Helping a Friend

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It is essential to keep the survivor safe. Approach the situation with caution and respect, as intervening directly may put the individual at greater risk.

If someone is in immediate danger, please call 911.

CALL: For immediate crisis assistance, contact the Someplace Safe Crisis Line:
Someplace Safe 24-hour Crisis Line: 1-800-974-3359
TEXT: Text message is available during business hours at 844-980-0169.
CHAT: When the chat option is visible, chat with a Someplace Safe staff or volunteer at www.someplacesafe.info.
For help at any time, call a 24-Hour hotline:
Minnesota Domestic Violence, Sexual Violence, and Human Trafficking Hotline: 1-866-223-1111
Minnesota General Crime Victims Hotline: 1-866-385-2699
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224
National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN): 1-800-656-4673
DayOne: www.dayoneservices.org

Supporting a Friend or Loved One who Experienced Crime or Abuse

Supporting a friend or loved one who has experienced crime, abuse or violence is crucial in helping them navigate their situation and heal. It’s normal for you to feel upset and confused and want to fix the situation. Remember, they may be experiencing a variety of emotions, as well as psychological, physical and even financial impacts. Being a good friend or family means being patient, supportive, and available whenever they need to talk or need help.

Here are some steps you can take to offer support:

Validate their feelings: Acknowledge and validate their emotions. Let them know that their feelings are valid and normal and that they are not alone.

Keep reminding yourself that they have the right to any emotion they are experiencing and expressing, like being numb, sad, angry, in denial, terrified, depressed, agitated, or withdrawn. Being supportive is accepting their feelings. It creates an atmosphere of warmth and safety in which they can rest.

Believe them: Believe their experience, feelings, and story without question. This can be a powerful affirmation that their voice and truth matter.

Listen non-judgmentally: Let them know you want to listen. It does not matter what you say, but how you listen. Create a safe and supportive space for your friend to share their experiences. Let them know you are there to listen without blaming or judging them.

Let them talk, and do not interrupt.
Schedule time to focus on the survivor.
Ask them what they need from you instead of making assumptions.
Be okay with the stalls, silences, and withdrawal times.
If they need help to continue talking, try repeating the words they expressed back to them, then ask if you understood them correctly.

Respect their choices: Understand that your friend or loved one may have their reasons for staying in or leaving dangerous, abusive or unsafe situations. Do not pressure them into making decisions or doing things they are not ready for. Help them explore all the options. It is essential to respect their confidentiality. Let them decide who they disclose information to. Respect their choices and avoid pressuring or blaming them for the decisions they make.

Reassure them that they are not to blame: Blaming questions such as, “Why didn’t you scream?” or “Why did you go there?” “Why didn’t you leave earlier” are not helpful. Instead, you might say, “It’s difficult to scream when you are frightened,” or “Getting out of an abusive relationship is very courageous.”

Encourage professional help: Suggest seeking professional help, such as counseling or therapy, to support their healing process. Offer to help them find resources or accompany them to appointments if they feel comfortable.

Safe place to stay: If a survivor needs a place to stay, help them in locating it, whether it be with family, friends, a shelter or another agency. A lot of times, survivors fear where to go, who to trust and how to survive.

Offer practical support: Provide practical assistance if safe and needed, such as babysitting, helping with transportation, or offering a safe place to stay if needed. Offer to accompany them to appointments or court proceedings if it is safe to do so.

Provide information and resources: Share information about local organizations, helplines, or support groups that specialize in assisting survivors of crime or abuse. Help them access resources they may need, such as legal aid or shelter services.

Safety planning: If your friend or loved one wants to leave an unsafe or abusive situation or home, help them create a safety plan. This includes identifying safe places to go, developing emergency contacts, and considering legal and financial aspects.

Take care of yourself: Supporting someone who has experienced abuse can be emotionally draining. Remember to prioritize your own well-being and seek support for yourself as well.

Be patient and remember that healing from crime, abuse and victimization takes time. Your friend may go through various emotional and psychological stages. Be available whenever they need to talk or seek help.

If you believe your friend is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services or the appropriate authorities to ensure their safety.

It May Not be Safe for You to Intervene

Approach with Caution

It is essential to keep the survivor safe. Approach the situation with caution and respect, as intervening directly may put the individual at greater risk. Calling 911 if anyone is in immediate danger.

If you or you suspect someone may be a victim of crime, report your suspicions to the appropriate authorities, call 911 or contact the Someplace Safe Crisis Line: 1-800-974-3359

They can provide guidance and take appropriate action to ensure the person’s safety and well-being. Remember, it is crucial to prioritize safety above all else.

Why do Victims Stay?

Leaving an abusive, dangerous or unsafe situation can be the most dangerous time for a victim of violence, harassment, stalking, trafficking, etc. And abusers may go to extremes to prevent the victim from leaving them.

A victim’s reasons for staying with their abuser/exploiter/perpetrator, or remaining in an unsafe or dangerous situation, are extremely complex and are many times wrapped around fear, guilt, and uncertainty. In most cases, these concerns are based on the reality that their abuser will follow through with the threats they have used to keep them trapped.

The threats can be:

the perpetrator will hurt or kill them
they will hurt or kill their children or family
they will win custody of the children
they will ruin them financially
they will harm or kill pets
they will post harmful or embarrassing information/photos online
they will break or destroy things
they threaten things will get worse

The victim’s fear is that they may be unable to escape, cut contact or protect those they love safely.

Societal Barriers to Leaving/Reaching out for Help

In addition to individual obstacles victims experience, society also presents barriers the survivors must face.

A victim’s fear of being charged with desertion, losing custody of children, or joint assets.
Even with legal remedies (restraining order, order for protection, criminal action, etc) there are sometimes perpetrators will return and repeat the abuse, stalking, bullying, etc.
In some religions, cultures, or ideologies, it is believed to be a sin or shameful to leave your spouse, divorce is forbidden, or women/children are not encouraged/allowed to live independently/equitably.
Some societal factors teach women to believe their identities and feelings of self-worth are contingent upon getting and keeping a man. Therefore they are taught to be and not question their partner.
Lack of support for crime survivors by law enforcement, systems professionals or those in positions of power. They may downplay the abuse or criminal behavior, not taking the survivor’s account seriously. Fear that they find themselves arrested and charged by law enforcement.